We’re all familiar with the cycle of narcissistic abuse.

These four stages idealization, devaluation, disregard, and neglect—are what you’d expect, right?

What if we took these stages a step further? I’m shocked no one has done this before, but if we looked at all relationships with narcissists, we’d easily find eight stages.

They’re here…

1 Perfection

A great start, I know many of you have heard of it before.

The Perfection stage is the moment when everything feels perfect. You feel like you’ve met the person of your dreams, and all other possibilities are lost.

Being so sure of that so quickly takes a huge risk, right? How can you be sure it will end happily?

Because the narcissist will make you believe every word and every action.

This is where you let go of all your doubts and dive into this fairy tale being presented to you.

Like a gust of wind, your life has shifted from one direction to another. All your thoughts and hopes are piled up on them, and they promise you they will never let you down.

You think you’re the best thing that has ever happened to them just because they tell you so.

This is your destiny.

2 Devaluation

The change of course begins. While the wave of perfection carries you, you crash against the rocks of the bay, without a life jacket.

The critical comments begin. Either you didn’t prepare dinner properly, or you’re overly sensitive to happiness, sadness, or anger.

Your hobbies start to bother the narcissist, and they tell you that you spend too much time with your friends.

They don’t like your job, and they want you to leave and find another one with shorter hours or lower expectations because you don’t seem to “handle it well.”

You as a person are crushed, and your character begins to erode.

This isn’t the fairytale you expected.

3 Psychological Manipulation

This didn’t happen.

I think you’re overreacting.

You’re imagining things.

I’m sorry you feel this way.

You’re feeling everything too much.

When the psychological manipulation begins, so does the disappearance of your reality. Your perception of how things happened is replaced with what the narcissist wants you to believe.

Eventually, you automatically convert all your thoughts to what the narcissist thinks, stripping you of your right to be yourself.

This is a dangerous stage in a relationship with a narcissist. Losing your character and your ability to think for yourself will allow them to control you in many ways.

4 The Silent Treatment

Or withdrawal, whichever way you want to look at it. If the silent treatment hasn’t come to you yet, it will come quickly.

It’s a game narcissists enjoy because they see how you react when they reject you.

If you’re a victim of the silent treatment, your natural reaction is to ask yourself: What did I do wrong, how can you improve, and how long will they stay silent?

…These are all questions narcissists want to hear. They love the desperation in your voice because it validates their presence.

5 Exhaustion

When you feel drained and exhausted from lingering and trying to please a narcissist who never pleases them, things will never get better for you.

To be clear, your energy is being intentionally drained. This isn’t just the result of an argument or two, or your attempt to fall flat to make them smile…

This is the narcissist who intentionally makes it difficult for you to be perfect for them. It’s the worst kind of treatment, yet you’d be shocked at how many victims have grown accustomed to their treatment.

They believe their burnout is due to fewer hours at work, working longer than usual, or the narcissist’s generalization that “things are tough out there right now.”

These excuses are designed to divert your attention from her to other things.

It’s not that. It’s all of them.

Is it really worth it?

6 Recognition

Stage six is where everything starts to fall into place. You realize you’re no longer imagining things, and you can even begin to anticipate patterns that have formed since you met.

You can anticipate how they’ll react when you say or do something, and you even see familiarity in their lies.

Patterns are essential for long-term change. I like to think of them as if, once you see them, you can’t unsee them.

This is where victims call out to themselves and say, “I can’t do this anymore. They’re different people, and I can’t avoid the way this affects me.”

It’s empowering, but it can be a little scary to feel these dynamics shift.

When you’re used to being the submissive partner to someone who likes to take charge, you now see them for what they are. Whether you want to admit it or not, it’s exhausting.

7 Escalation

Now it’s time for the narcissist to try one last time before they realize they’re fighting a losing battle.

He escalates his old tactics and adds new tricks along the way. He wants to know if anything will work to keep you and prolong the relationship.

Think about how he’s trying to lure you back and how desperate he is at this stage.

New statements, marriage proposals, moving to wherever you want if that makes you happier—whatever it is.

This was the real turning point for me, because you could have easily caved and agreed to whatever they offered.

You know that some games have worked for you in the past, and the temptation is real. So what do you do?

My advice is to stand your ground and step back a little to see what’s going on here.

Yes, it seems very tempting, but when you look at the previous stages, do you really want to join any more?

8 The Final Break!

You’ve done it, you’ve made the decision to leave. Welcome to Stage 8 of your relationship with your narcissist.

I was worried about you in Stage 7, thinking you might invest in another round with them, but you succeeded. I’ve learned that going back is not normal.

Now, you may notice that the narcissist wants revenge. After all, you’ve left them, and they’ll be very upset.

This is normal, and you need to take it as seriously as possible. No matter how hard they try, the promise you made to yourself to leave and move on should be your starting point for recovery.

You can’t recover from the same place you fell ill.

Stage 8 is the final stage, where you become certain of what you want and are able to leave the relationship behind.